Scared

       October 17^th, 2009. Nearly fourteen months had passed since Juan David and Viviana returned to Colombia after spending a summer in Austin, Texas. They still lived in an orphanage in Bogotá, while our home right outside of Dallas, Texas awaited them. I left the local Mail Mart to send them their first package from us, containing a karate outfit Juan David requested, Halloween costumes for both kids, and something small for Julian. I also tucked in a small envelope with a birthday card for Juan David and the little keychain inside. I wrote on the envelope, “Do not open until your birthday!”

“I promise. I promise I won’t open it early.” He assured me I could trust him to wait until his birthday. He acted giddy just knowing a package headed his way.

I wanted more than anything to deliver it in person, but I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to send it. It cost us a fortune, as I expected, but you can’t put a price on knowing how happy and loved it made them feel.

I sent him an e-mail that evening to tell him I sent the package. He replied the next morning.

“Thank you! I miss you, and I hope to be with you soon. From: Your adoptive son.”

He also sent pictures, giving me my first chance to “see” him since he returned to Colombia in August of the previous year. He’d definitely grown and matured some. What a beautiful boy!  Oh, how I hoped his closing words soon rang true, for him to officially become my adoptive son. I couldn’t even fathom how his heart would shatter if it didn’t come to pass.

I struggled to connect on the phone with both kids throughout the following week. Thankfully, Julian sent me an e-mail a few days later thanking me for the gifts, so I knew the package arrived safely.

My heart, however, grew more fragile every day. I drove to work in tears every single morning, my faith challenged almost beyond the limit through this inexplicable wait. I didn’t understand why it took so long to give us a date to go down there. Yet we received no response from Colombia whatsoever.

Just silence. Absolute silence.

Yet in that silence, God let me grow even closer to these two, no, three children every week. I never expected to build a relationship with their older brother, too! His e-mails reminded me of God’s constant presence and complete control. He still worked out His ultimate plan.

So why couldn’t we go down there already?

Scared

Some days I feel like crying,

other days my heart just aches,

I miss them terribly,

terrified I’ll have to let them go.

I don’t know what to think,

I don’t know how to feel,

I don’t know what to believe,

or if I should even hold on.

I hurt so deep inside

as I continue to wait

for that final proclamation

 of who my family is meant to be.

I thought I heard it clearly,

Confident we obeyed the call.

But now my heart is torn,

hoping we didn’t misread it all.

What is really going on?

Had they even seen our letters yet?

How long before we hear

What step we need to take?

Will there even be a next step?

Or should I not hold on to false hope?

I’m crumbling inside, falling apart.

The truth is,

I’m scared.