How would I know?

How would I know?

This story documents our journey to Julian, someone we will always love as our son even if we can never officially adopt him. He calls us Mom and Dad, and he refers to our biological son as his brother—interestingly, a brother the same age as the little sister he lost and with the same interests and passions as his younger brother who will soon be adopted away from him.

This story also demonstrates God’s love for the orphan. Julian embraced the opportunity to start college for at least a semester, and he definitely became quite the artist. Juan David plays on a soccer team, and Viviana now has a teacher for a mom. God did not abandon any of them, but He instead placed them each with a family who could meet their individual needs. (In addition to His provision for these three siblings, God also led the couple we sat with at the Adoption Conference to domestically adopt their daughter, while my new friend from the El Salvador online group eventually adopted four siblings from South America.)

However, this book also reveals my own journey of faith, intimately describing how God broke me, molded me, taught me, and guided me along the way through our entire “adoption” experience. Our story travels through grief and loss, hope and healing, obedience and trust, and God’s ever sufficient grace. It follows a family trudging through an adoption process and then trying to survive the valley when that adoption never came to fruition.

 I learned more about Christ and grew closer to Him throughout this particular journey than any other time in my life. I cried so many unexpected tears. Tears of waiting. Tears of grief. Tears of joy. Yet if He never led me through the valley, there is so much about Him I would never know. When I finally reached the top of the mountain and looked back over the valley, I could almost hear God gently whisper in my ear.

“See, my child? Didn’t I tell you it would be worth it? Didn’t I tell you the view would take your breath away?”

If I had never been there, I could not know what I do now. Experiencing Colombia itself didn’t take our breath away, but the spiritual journey getting there did. As I look back down over the valley we traveled, and recall God’s obvious footprints beside each of my own, I realize I found the greatest beauty of all.

Scripture tells us He is our great reward. I may not have gotten the two children I set out to adopt, but I got so much more.

I got Him.

Nothing else, in all of life, can compare.

How would I know?

How would I know of Your provision
if I never found myself in desperate need?

How would I know of Your healing
if I didn’t see You heal my bitter heart?

How would I know of Your restoration
if my life never crumbled before my eyes?

How would I know You are my refuge
if I never wanted to run away and hide?

How would I know of Your constancy
if I never watched my dreams slip away?

How would I know of Divine Guidance
if I never found myself utterly lost?

How would I know of Your hope
if I never felt all hope was gone?

How would I know of Your comfort
if I never felt such crushing pain?

How would I see Your light
if I never had to walk in the dark?

How would I know You hold me together
if I never lost every ounce of strength I had?

How would I know of Your redemption
if I never lost something so close to my heart?

How would I know of Your power
if I never needed nothing short of a miracle?

How would I know You alone can satisfy
if I never felt such an incredible void?

How would I know You are the answer
if I never had to search so frantically for one?

How would I know You are always with me
if I never felt completely alone?

How would I know I could trust You
if I never had to take a leap of faith?

How would I know I could confide in You
if You never had to wipe away my tears?

How would I know how much I need You
if I never felt I couldn’t take another step?

How would I know You like I know You now
if You never allowed me to go through these trials?

How would I understand inexplicable JOY
if I never felt it amidst the deepest heartache?

How would I know how to carry others’ burdens
if no one ever had to carry mine?

How would I know the testimony You gave me
if You never put me through a test?

How would I know I could love You

if you never passionately pursued my heart?

How would I know You could sustain me
if I never found myself too weak to survive?

How would I know how much You love me
if You never gave Your life for me?

How would I know who You are

if I never had to find out?

How would I know of your constant grace

if I never shed so many unexpected tears?

How could I see the beauty of the valley

if I’d never been to the mountain and back with You?

“Look! I see another mountaintop from here! It’s even more beautiful than this one!” The possibility tempted me, but I couldn’t deny the huge valley separating us from the beauty.

Did we dare?

(Check out the sequel, Painful Waiting, now available on Amazon. The sequel we had no idea God still had in store for our family. Oh, the foreshadowing that took place in Unexpected Tears was beyond my imagination. Only an Author like God.)