Guilt

Up until this point in my life, my relationship with God grew more intimate every day. I cherished my morning time of prayer more than any other time of the day. I longed to spend time with my Creator, pouring my heart out to Him while interceding often for others. As I grew closer to Christ every year, I found nothing else could even compare. I felt like a miserable, unsatisfied mess when I missed that hour in the mornings. My Savior’s love filled me and refreshed me every morning.

Now, for the first time in my entire life, I felt so unloved. I didn’t understand why my faith wasn’t enough. My mornings no longer felt “romantic and peaceful.” The intimate conversation stopped.

Daily screaming matches in my car became my only conversations with God. Me screaming about my anger, humiliation, hurt, confusion and devastation. I felt offended and insulted. He, on the other hand, took it all, carried me through it and gave me enough strength to keep moving each day. He gently whispered in my ear that, yes, despite it all, I could still trust Him.

He did love me, and He actually hurt, too, knowing the extent of the pain in my heart. It hurt Him to see me hurting. He missed me, and even if I wouldn’t admit to it, I really missed Him, too.

http://www.goodsalt.com/search/jesus_crying.html

Truly, my anger mostly directed itself inward. We all fought through anger toward ourselves for not being “good enough” for the committee to approve us in the first place, forcing us to let the kids down. The guilt overwhelmed us at times, like a heavy weight crushing us beneath it. So great a heaviness, I could barely even breathe.

I let them down. I didn’t fight hard enough or stand firm enough. I must not have spoken or written to express our case clearly. I didn’t do everything I could have done.

What doors had we not opened or gone through that could have made a difference? Did we open and go through doors we shouldn’t have? Those precious siblings counted on us, and we let them down. Where exactly did it all go wrong? Did one specific thing trigger their whole chain reaction against us? Could we have done something differently to avoid this whole mess? Did we ever even stand a chance or did doom follow our case from the beginning?

Not only did we fail the kids, we failed everyone involved. We could compile a running list of everyone we let down:

·         The summer hosting program

·          Our adoption agency.

·         The kids’ host family

·          The families not chosen to pursue this adoption

·          Everyone who donated money

·         The organizations that awarded us grant money

·         Our church’s Adoption Ministry

Basically we failed everyone who supported our entire journey.

In addition to bearing the weight of failing so many, we also knew we failed each other, and we failed our son.