A priceless Christmas gift

Amidst all the hustle and bustle of Julian’s graduation, Thanksgiving, the Christmas season, finishing up the first semester at school, and sending Julian his gift, apparently a lot of activity went on behind the scenes in Colombia, too. His social worker found him an opportunity to continue his studies in Bogotá, which explained why she never contacted me.

It disappointed me to know he wouldn’t come to stay with us, but this opportunity thrilled me. The program we wanted to get him in here only served as a stepping stone without any clear leading. His social worker found him an opportunity to study the Arts, his main passion. So, we dropped our pursuit to bring him here and went back to Plan A, to support him in furthering his studies once he exited government care.

I thought back to that lonely boy I barely knew at the beginning of the summer, the boy who felt so alone, completely forgotten about by God. God now flooded him with more love and opportunities for his future than he ever dreamed. It honored and humbled us to play a role in his story.

I spent Christmas Eve with half of my heart in Colombia once again. (Perhaps it never left.) I researched airline prices for our upcoming trip in June and couldn’t believe the prices we found, hundreds of dollars cheaper per ticket than we expected! When our friends who travel often saw the prices, they suggested we book those tickets immediately. Mike hurried to get his vacation time approved for the following summer, and we booked them!

This was real. We finally had tickets to take us to Colombia.

It felt surreal, after everything that led us to this point. I gave Julian the dates, but he didn’t have any idea where he would be or what he might be doing at that time. We’d arrive almost two months after his eighteenth birthday, so he didn’t know if he’d still reside in government care or live on his own by then. We felt confident God told us to go in June, so it forced us to take a huge step of faith.

I think I glowed on Christmas Day. What a year, filled with a whirlwind of emotions, leaving us committed to and smitten by this seventeen-year-old boy in an orphanage in Colombia. Not just any seventeen-year-old boy from any random orphanage, but the sibling of the two children we failed to adopt, living in the same orphanage I called so often in the previous year. God indeed redeemed our story by giving us Julian, our Christmas miracle.

“Hi. May I please speak with Julian?” I could hardly believe I dialed the number to that same orphanage again, now over a year later.

“Hello? This is Julian speaking.” I barely recognized his voice.

“Merry Christmas, Julian! It’s me, Rachelle!” I don’t think he recognized my voice either on the other end of the line.

“Hi, Rachelle! It’s so good to hear you.” His voice held gratitude for my call. After all the times he watched his brother and sister receive my phone calls, now he held the phone on the other end of the line as the recipient.

Oh, to hear his voice again. I adored that boy. The pieces fit together now, and the puzzle started to make sense, despite all the times I asked God, “Why Colombia? Why that orphanage? Why those two kids?”

Each piece mattered.

A little box filled with lots of love

I now faced the upcoming holidays with joy and gratitude in my heart rather than the despair I faced a year ago. I cherished the time with my parents when they came to visit us again for Thanksgiving. My mom, David, and I hit the stores on Black Friday like we always do, but I didn’t wince in pain as we walked through the toy aisles this year. The princess outfits didn’t torment me as I walked by them either.

The orphanage recently gave me permission to send Julian a Christmas gift, so I thought of him this year as I shopped. He told me once that he didn’t own a Bible, and I remembered saying maybe I’d send him one for Christmas. I searched through the Spanish Bibles at a local Christian bookstore to find him the perfect one. David and I worked together to find the right translation for him. We wanted a Bible with both the Old and New Testaments, but still little enough to fit inside a small box. My heart filled with joy when we made our purchase that day.

It’s amazing what latching on to hope can do for you. We didn’t feel like we’d reached the mountaintop yet, but we anxiously and eagerly climbed our way up. It felt good to love and be loved again.

Julian’s high school graduation approached quickly, but he ran into an unexpected problem. Since he attended a year-long course at a technical school at the same time, he did not attend his high school classes as consistently as he should have. Now with graduation right around the corner, he found out he might not graduate because he missed too many classes. The news devastated him!

It concerned us, too. Without a diploma, he couldn’t take the courses we hoped for him to take here. We prayed for God to make a way for him to graduate.

Julian said he had to take a test to show how much he learned throughout high school, and, luckily, he only fell short in one area--Calculus. The school gave him remedial help and allowed him to take the test again. We prayed him through it, along with all of his prayer warriors at our church, but when he took the test the second time, he still didn’t pass. So discouraged and scared, he gave it one more shot by hiring a tutor before meeting with his teacher to demonstrate what he learned. That boy had more prayers going out for him than he even knew. He finally passed, graduating a week later.

He made it, so he totally surprised me when he said he didn’t even want to attend his graduation.

“Why don’t you want to go? You worked so hard!” I asked.

“I don’t have anyone to go with me.” He invited one person from the orphanage, but she couldn’t go. He didn’t feel like going to his own graduation all alone. Thankfully, when he realized the orphanage already paid for his attire, he changed his mind at the last minute.

I chatted online with him that morning while he got ready. “I would have loved to go with you if I were there.”

“I know. Thank you.” He nervously put on his cap and gown, saying he looked like a penguin. I loved being able to “spend” the morning with him.

He did meet up with a female friend at his graduation, one who also grew up in the orphanage with him but no longer lived there. He didn’t take any pictures, but she did, and he sent those to me. I immediately printed them out to hang on the wall in the spare bedroom. He sure made a handsome graduate, making me one proud “Mom”.

Months earlier I made a small photo book with pictures of Julian and his siblings. He never found an opportunity to get a picture of the three of them together, despite my begging, so the book only contained pictures of him and Juan David together or him and Viviana together. Now that I had graduation pictures, I taped them onto the inside and outside back cover of the little book. I bought a CD of one of his favorite songs, and I carefully packed it all together in the little box with his new Bible.

http://tinyhappy.typepad.com/tiny_happy/2008/08/hope.html

His Christmas package still felt incomplete, but an idea came to my mind about what it lacked. When I sent Juan David that little Texas keychain over a year ago, I bought myself a matching one as a keepsake. Juan David now had a new family to love him, although they still hadn’t adopted him, and my heart let him go. I wanted to give Julian the matching one rather than keep it for myself. He and Juan David could share a common possession, plus now it could remind Julian of a family in Texas that loved him as their son, now his family forever. We didn’t need adoption papers to declare it true this time around.

We just turned the calendar to December, but I couldn’t wait to send Julian’s gift. That little box seemed ready to “bust at the seams” because it held so much love within it. I couldn’t bear for it to sit on my counter when it could be in his hands. I carefully wrapped it all up tight, drove to the Mail Mart and sent it off.

What an odd feeling, walking into that Mail Mart again with yet another package to send to that same orphanage in Colombia, another one of those moments I never could have imagined taking place. Our story touched the owner of the Mail Mart so much that she gave us a discount for every package we mailed those kids. Now, a year later, she recognized me as soon as I walked in the door and gave me the discount again.

I secured the tracking numbers for my package and watched online almost every hour until that little box reached its destination.

 “Milllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll gracias. (Thanks a million!) The gift is beautiful. I love you guys so much. I don’t need to receive another gift at all for Christmas.  This is more than enough.” Julian thanked me immediately for the gift.

To add to the excitement, the same day I put the package in the mail, the director of the orphanage also gave me permission to start making phone calls to Julian. I only ever heard his voice once, and I didn’t even remember what it sounded like during those brief moments of a conversation Juan David arranged over a year ago. 

An open door beckoning us to Colombia?

“How are you doing today, Mom?” Julian sent me a random message during the day, but his new choice of vocabulary brought tears to my eyes when I read it.

Could God have made it more obvious that He chose Julian as our son even without allowing us to adopt him? What a pleasant surprise when he called me “Mom” in early November. The first time he wrote it, it melted my heart. I could only imagine what I meant to him now after all this time, or how long it had been since he even used that word. It solidified our bond, binding us together for life. Through it all, I gained another son.

Only a few days remained until Juan David’s thirteenth birthday. Since he still resided at the orphanage during the week, I asked Julian to please wish him a happy birthday for me. Juan David got my message, and it meant the world to me that he knew I didn’t forget his special day. I never imagined a year ago after our last conversation that I’d still send him a birthday greeting a year later. Truth be told, I didn’t think I’d ever communicate with him again.

God filled the entire month of November with His goodness and blessing, opening several doors we didn’t even know existed.  I remembered one of my particularly long conversations with Julian in the summer. He mentioned how he would love to study in the States, but he also turned the table to ask, “Have you ever thought about coming to Colombia to live?”

“An opportunity like that would be a dream come true!” His question actually brewed in my mind over several months as I wondered if God had more waiting for us in Colombia than just Julian. Deep down in my heart, I believed God might call us to serve as missionaries in Colombia someday and use Julian to draw us there. I didn’t know this for sure, nor did I have any clue how it could ever work out. I researched several mission boards I connected with in my college days to see if they had missionaries in Colombia, but none of them worked in Bogotá near Julian.

I brought in the mail one day that month, quickly ready to throw all the “junk mail” in the fire currently burning in the fireplace. A letter caught my eye, so I decided to look at it first. We received yearly letters during the holiday season from a certain mission organization, and, truthfully, neither of us knew how we’d gotten on the mailing list. We didn’t even know anyone who served with them. As I pulled the newsletter out of the envelope that day, I wondered if any of their missionaries lived in Colombia, specifically in Bogotá.

When I realized they did have missionaries serving near Julian, I soon found myself glued to their website. The home page also contained a link to a Christian school in Bogotá run completely in English for missionary children and also for Colombian children of parents who serve in the ministry somehow. I found the jackpot, this little gold mine! I could feel my heart beat faster as I read more about the school, its mission, and personal testimonies from teachers currently working there.

Could this be that wide open door for us to get to Colombia as missionaries? I had to find out more. I contacted the mission organization to say we planned to visit Colombia in June. I asked if we could visit with the missionaries in Bogotá to observe some of the ministries going on.

Mike and I shared a passion for the mission field, after spending a summer working in Mexico together as an engaged couple, so finding a possible ministry to join in Colombia stirred my heart. We had to find out if God had a plan for us there, so we agreed to scope things out when we got to Colombia to meet Julian. 

Understanding His Purpose

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

http://wallbasehq.net/119362-isaiah-55-8-9/

Gaining a Son

I lay awake in bed last night

with you heavy on my mind.

I remembered how my plans changed,

while watching the last year in rewind.

I thought I lost everything
when my dream crumbled before my eyes.
My hope of mothering your siblings
came to a screeching halt after many tries.

So angry with my heavenly Father,
so hurt down to the core,
so humiliated and embarrassed,
what could it all have been for?

When I reached a point of surrender
and trusted Him with them once more,
suddenly you appeared in the picture,
and I saw hope I didn’t see before.

My heart caught hold of a purpose,
your presence helped me finally grieve.
I began to love you as I loved them,
and I gained a new son, I believe.

A year after everything crumbled,
after picking up the debris from the bomb,
you wrote the words that confirmed it for me,
when you started to call me “Mom.”

Restoration

Our family kept quite busy throughout the fall. Between normal school and work hours, Mike coached David’s soccer team, and I took pictures, managed the soccer website, and made photo books for the team. I continued teaching the ladies’ Bible study, and we all three stayed involved in church activities. When I found a quiet moment, I devoured book after book. God filled me with an incredible hunger to know His Word and the stories of how He worked in other people’s lives following unexpected tragedies. Stories of people who found the Light by walking through the dark captivated me.

It amazed me to see how close I seemed to arrive at the end of my grief, when suddenly my hope and confidence crumbled. October nearly knocked me to the ground. The day before Halloween marked a solid year since the end of our adoption pursuit. Costumes everywhere screamed insult and shame at me, reminding me of our greatest failure. So many triggers brought out emotions I didn’t realize I still felt. Tears came unexpectedly at all the wrong times. Guilt crept back in to beat me up all over again.

Julian stayed busy to finish his last semester of high school (their school year ends in November), so we maintained very limited contact with him. Whenever we did communicate, he asked if anyone from the orphanage wrote to me yet, and I had to say no every time. Neither one of us knew why they stalled to contact me.

I’d done so well lately as I watched God work wonders in both our life and in Julian’s, so I didn’t expect to find those old tears stream down my cheeks again. Memories tormented me. Juan David’s adoption process seemed to progress well with his prospective family, but he spent so much time with them that he rarely saw Viviana anymore. He stayed at the orphanage during the week and then lived with the family on the weekends, meaning he didn’t spend Saturdays with his sister like before. My heart ached for her. I knew she must miss him terribly. Julian worked on the weekends, so he couldn’t spend those Saturday afternoons with her either. Knowing we let her down haunted me.

I noticed my heart gradually begin to let go of Juan David. I knew another family now embraced him, so I didn’t long for him or hurt for him. But I longed for his sister, and October reminded me daily that we failed her. I could barely get out of bed to face the actual day of the anniversary at the end of the month, guilt weighing me down like a heavy blanket.

Yet when November 1^st came along, I felt completely different. The year passed, and a new month started, marking a new year. God did something new in me, and He faithfully filled my heart with renewed purpose. I still ached for Viviana, and I desperately prayed for a family for her. But my grieving suddenly ended. I grieved their loss for an entire year, and now I knew I could move on. By God’s grace, I found both healing and restoration.

Seeking approval again

I dealt with fear every day, thinking I might lose Julian, too, one day. Our connection still remained “secret.” I knew I could accept the loss better than I accepted losing his siblings because at least I saw a purpose. Our relationship with him strengthened his trust in God. That alone would have given me a sense of closure if I ever needed it.

Continuing our quest to bring Julian to the States, I contacted the community college about him. A kind lady led me through all the paperwork he would need.

“I just want you to know, though, that his status as an orphan might make it difficult for him to gain a visa. I have a few suggestions of things he can do to give himself a better chance, though.”

When I shared all the information with Julian, it overwhelmed him. He wanted to talk to the orphanage director first so she could help with the paperwork.

I freaked out, positive she would not react well to his connection with us. I braced myself emotionally for another huge loss. I prayed my heart out, and we waited. Several days passed, yet we heard nothing from Julian.

“We lost him.” My heart felt so heavy with sadness as Mike and I discussed our assumption that our fear of losing him turned into a reality. I sure would miss him. I grew to love that boy more than I ever imagined.

By the end of the week, after yet another night in tears, I did hear from him again. He talked with the director, who cared dearly for him, and she reacted very positively regarding this possibility. She told him to talk with both his social worker and his psychologist, along with his legal defender.

Those titles alone scared me, especially the psychologist. The psychologist over our adoption case stood so firmly against our ability to parent an adoptive child. The thought of another Colombian psychologist involved again left a bitter taste in my mouth. Even in a completely different situation, my nerves went crazy while we waited on their “approval” of us.

About a week passed before Julian found a chance to talk to everyone involved, and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief when they all showed positive reactions. We no longer felt a need to keep quiet about our relationship with him. His social worker showed the only negative response from anyone, only because she wished he’d told her first. She constantly looked out for him to find him opportunities. She meticulously worked to find the best possible future for the kids who never get adopted. If an opportunity like this existed for him, she needed to know about it.

Julian gave them all my e-mail address, and they said they would contact me. I collected all the information from the community college to give to his social worker as soon as she contacted me.

 Meanwhile, our relationship with him grew by leaps and bounds now that everyone knew about it. Our love for him grew more every day, as did his love for us. We became the family he’d always dreamed of having. We also became his prayer warriors, along with our entire adult class at church. So many people prayed for him and the direction his future might take him, more than he will ever know, probably more than we ourselves will ever know. I loved him like a son, and I told him so as often as I could. When I prayed for David every morning, I prayed for him, too.

Renewed faith

My faith renewed even more, I started reading like crazy again. Like a sponge, I soaked up every word I could. This time, I no longer read about grief, hope, and healing. Instead, I read everything I could find on grace. I read so many unlikely stories God wrote into people’s lives when they completely surrendered to Him and His glory, no matter what.

Jan Winebrenner’s book, The Grace of Catastrophe—When what you know about God is all you have[1], helped me cling to God when nothing made sense. Two other books also drew my complete attention, Bruce Wilkinson’s Dream Giver [2]and Mark Batterson’s Wild Goose Chase[3]. Both proved the reality that God doesn’t fit in a box. Once we’re willing to take Him out of the box, we see how much we actually miss! In fact, as long as we keep Him in the box, we might miss the whole point.

God led us on our own wild goose chase, in pursuit of His will but without a clue where it headed. We never dreamed how a seventeen-year-old Colombian orphan could turn our lives upside down. In fact, we expected to bring home a little girl from El Salvador to raise as our own only three years earlier. Our desire for a daughter led us to a little girl from Colombia, connecting us to her preteen brother, who ultimately led us to their seventeen-year-old brother.

We didn’t plan it this way. We didn’t envision this life. We didn’t know we embarked upon this journey. But the relationship God created now between Julian and our family amazed us. God took us on the adventure of a lifetime, showing us beauty really can rise from the ashes of our losses.

Another summer almost closed again, so I used what little time remained to research any existing options for possible futures we could offer Julian. After searching for weeks, I found a program at a nearby community college offering the possibility for Julian to study in the States for a semester or two in an intensive English course already set up to help international students get their visas.

Maybe our spare bedroom belonged to Julian instead of his sister. The thought of it excited me and grew hope in me. We gave him a list of things to start acquiring to make it possible. He would gather some of the paperwork on his own, but we agreed to wait until much closer to his eighteenth birthday to talk with anyone from the orphanage about it. We still feared his social worker’s and psychologist’s reactions to his connection with us. At this point, we didn’t know yet if God planned for Julian to come here, but it couldn’t hurt to look into the possibility.

The school year soon started again, as well as my second ladies’ Bible study. My first study intrigued Julian because he’d never even heard of a Bible study, so it opened up several meaningful conversations between us on the topics of Scripture and prayer. Now he wanted to know more about my second study, Jennifer Rothschild’s Walking by Faith—Lessons I Learned in the Dark.[4]

I’m the one who needed that study. As soon as I read the title, I knew God wanted me to lead it. I led my first study from personal experience, but I led this one in the dark, still walking through it. I loved walking alongside the ladies He sent to my class as they learned to dig deep in the Word. I found a passion in this area and realized I found my niche in the church, an area where I truly enjoyed serving.

As my own faith blossomed again, I watched Julian’s faith grow, as well. We shared many long talks about grief, sadness, loss, and also about faith, hope, and healing. We talked often about clinging to God when it hurts and allowing Him to carry us when we lose our strength. We also talked a lot about prayer. Honestly, I didn’t know where he stood in his relationship with Christ, or if he even had one, but I knew God gave me this chance to plant seeds into his life. My own experience with grief helped me reach Julian in a way I never could have from a mountaintop. God showed me how my experience in the valley could help someone else.

"You know, today I kept thinking about how much God helped me throughout my life. The way you and I have gotten to know each other gives me immense happiness. To think I always believed God abandoned me, now I know that wasn't the case." Julian opened up to me in a whole new way.

"Your words right now bring me so much joy. I thought the same thing today, how God used our story of losing your siblings to ultimately change your life. Although what happened nearly destroyed us, I now see Him making something beautiful I never imagined before." My reply reminded me of my final words at the women’s spiritual retreat when I expressed God breaking us in order to bring about something beautiful. The joy I desperately prayed for returned. I felt it deep within.

"I thought that same thing many times. The plan of God--it's a wonderful thing. I now know God has a plan for me, and He has a plan for everyone.” His response held a new hope.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that, because a few short months ago, I know you didn’t think that way." I typed with incredible emotion, in awe of God’s evident working.

“I know,” he responded.

He got it. He got the message I poured into him, day in and day out. God did not forgot or abandon him. Reading those heartfelt words made the entire experience worth it. God used us in a mighty way to change that boy’s whole mindset.

---

[1] The Grace of Catastrophe—When What You Know About God is All You Have, Jan Winebrenner, 2005, Moody Publishers.

[2] Dream Giver, Bruce Wilkinson, 2003, Multnomah Books.

[3] Wild Goose Chase—Reclaim the Adventure of Pursuing God, Mark Batterson, 2008, Multnomah Books.

[4] Walking by Faith—Lessons I Learned in the Dark, Jennifer Rothschild, 2003, Life Way Press.

Kisses from Colombia

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/410179478535236895/

Grace. A word I never understood. I even graduated from a college called Grace, and I still didn’t get it. You have to experience grace to grasp it. I knew His grace would be sufficient, but I didn’t know what that meant. I had to live by it day after day to understand.

God’s grace came to us in many ways. It arrived in the form of an e-mail, connecting me to someone I could finally talk to, someone who understood precisely what and who I lost, who could fill in the gaps like no one else could. Grace came through comfort from friends who carried us in prayer. It came in the form of a letter from someone I thought I’d never hear from again. It came in the form of a picture, one of my sweet boy blowing me kisses and one of my precious girl smiling from ear to ear, with her hair all grown out. It also came in the form of a smile, one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen, on the face of a boy I wondered if I’d ever have a chance to meet.

I finally got my letter from Juan David (or the picture of it that Julian e-mailed me). What a gift! Short and sweet, he sent his love and concern for David over a recent injury. He also expressed happiness over having a family.

Julian attached pictures of the three kids, now two years older than the last time I saw them. A picture of Viviana standing with her friends showed her hair now much longer. She smiled from ear to ear, looking as pretty as ever. Another picture with Julian beside her captured the endearing love between them. Julian’s smile melted my heart, one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen. He even attached pictures of him and Juan David together, too.

I found one particular picture of Juan David a little too blurry to see clearly.

“What is Juan David doing in that picture?” I asked Julian a few days later.

“Blowing you kisses. We took that picture just for you.” Eight months of silence, and now I got kisses all the way from Colombia right to my computer screen. More than enough grace to get me through the day, especially considering I thought I’d never know another thing about him.

After months of wallowing in self-pity, I now wondered how I got so lucky to be loved by these three precious orphans. I finally found the closure I always wished for. I printed out all the pictures and hung them on the wall in the spare bedroom, surrounding a small framed poster defining Scriptural FAITH as the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

Surprised by grace

Surprised by Grace

Just when I thought the curtain
finally closed on the show,
when I thought I said goodbye,
accepting there’d be things I’d never know …

I put them in Your hands
when You said, “Let them go, dear one,
trust Me fully with this sacrifice
so I can finish what I have begun.”

Then Your grace appeared,
and You gave me new eyes to see
more of the work You’ve been doing
in the almost forgotten child number three.

I didn’t see it coming,
or know he, too, needed me
to daily say I love him,
and pray for him faithfully.

I didn’t see the difference
God wanted me to make in his life,
nor of the Hope I could give him
to work through his internal strife.

I didn’t have any clue
the hope and healing he’d give to me
through pictures and acts of gratitude
for loving his family.

Still orphans they remain today,
still brokenhearted I am,
yet confident God still works
to finish what He began.

I won’t cease to intercede for them.
I will carry them daily in prayer.
I trust their Father completely
and know they’re safe within His care.

I long for the day to come
when I meet that third child face to face,
yet I know I can’t even fathom
how God will surprise me by grace.

http://godgathering.com/grace-from-god/