Restoration

Our family kept quite busy throughout the fall. Between normal school and work hours, Mike coached David’s soccer team, and I took pictures, managed the soccer website, and made photo books for the team. I continued teaching the ladies’ Bible study, and we all three stayed involved in church activities. When I found a quiet moment, I devoured book after book. God filled me with an incredible hunger to know His Word and the stories of how He worked in other people’s lives following unexpected tragedies. Stories of people who found the Light by walking through the dark captivated me.

It amazed me to see how close I seemed to arrive at the end of my grief, when suddenly my hope and confidence crumbled. October nearly knocked me to the ground. The day before Halloween marked a solid year since the end of our adoption pursuit. Costumes everywhere screamed insult and shame at me, reminding me of our greatest failure. So many triggers brought out emotions I didn’t realize I still felt. Tears came unexpectedly at all the wrong times. Guilt crept back in to beat me up all over again.

Julian stayed busy to finish his last semester of high school (their school year ends in November), so we maintained very limited contact with him. Whenever we did communicate, he asked if anyone from the orphanage wrote to me yet, and I had to say no every time. Neither one of us knew why they stalled to contact me.

I’d done so well lately as I watched God work wonders in both our life and in Julian’s, so I didn’t expect to find those old tears stream down my cheeks again. Memories tormented me. Juan David’s adoption process seemed to progress well with his prospective family, but he spent so much time with them that he rarely saw Viviana anymore. He stayed at the orphanage during the week and then lived with the family on the weekends, meaning he didn’t spend Saturdays with his sister like before. My heart ached for her. I knew she must miss him terribly. Julian worked on the weekends, so he couldn’t spend those Saturday afternoons with her either. Knowing we let her down haunted me.

I noticed my heart gradually begin to let go of Juan David. I knew another family now embraced him, so I didn’t long for him or hurt for him. But I longed for his sister, and October reminded me daily that we failed her. I could barely get out of bed to face the actual day of the anniversary at the end of the month, guilt weighing me down like a heavy blanket.

Yet when November 1^st came along, I felt completely different. The year passed, and a new month started, marking a new year. God did something new in me, and He faithfully filled my heart with renewed purpose. I still ached for Viviana, and I desperately prayed for a family for her. But my grieving suddenly ended. I grieved their loss for an entire year, and now I knew I could move on. By God’s grace, I found both healing and restoration.