Finally there

Fear. Anxiety. Excitement. Hope. So many mixed emotions competed for my attention. Yet some days, I felt nothing at all. Maybe I subconsciously guarded my heart because too many emotions overwhelmed me. I feared letting my expectations get set too high.

On the other hand, I purposely didn’t let myself set any expectations because I knew God’s plans always trumped mine. I didn't want to miss whatever He had waiting for us because He had a tendency to blow us away.

Now with our flight only days away, the time arrived to find out if, when, and where we could meet Julian. He still lived in the orphanage. He did not start any classes yet, nor did he find a new job. Since the first time we met on the computer, he constantly ran in at least five directions at once. Now his calendar remained empty without a single commitment.

I wrote a letter via e-mail to the orphanage director to request approval for him to leave the orphanage to spend time with us. In my letter, I explained our connection to Julian first. Then I explained our purpose and length of stay in Bogotá.

“We would like to spend as much time with Julian as you will allow us. He is more than welcome to stay with us the entire two weeks, or we can take him back to the orphanage in the evenings if you would prefer. We would like to support Julian in some way as he enters this next stage of his life. Please let us know the best way to help him."

Her response overwhelmed me. Not only did she give permission for Julian to stay with us, as part of our family, for the entire duration of our trip, but she wanted to arrange a meeting for us to discuss his future needs with his psychologist and social worker.

“I think it’s wonderful for Julian to finally have the support of a family.” Wow. She already called us his family.

I fretted over finding our way around the city without a guide, and now, we would have a native Colombian with us at all times. I worried about the possibility of not getting to see Julian, and now we’d get him for fourteen days and nights straight. I thought we might not even step foot in the orphanage, and now we had a meeting scheduled there with the very titles of people that terrified me, the very same psychologist and social worker that Juan David and Viviana shared. These details thrilled me, sent me beyond excited, yet scared me all over again, especially regarding that meeting.

Thankfully, our prayer warriors covered us in prayer that last week before we left. While many of our friends and acquaintances thought us crazy to even go, those closest to us knew God planned to do something huge with our family. We didn’t just plan a random trip over the last six months. God prepared us for this trip over a three-year period, leading us on a painful journey of faith in preparation for how our lives would change over these fifteen days in Colombia. He walked so far ahead of us, we had no idea.

Our last few days sped by us until we finally boarded that plane early Saturday morning, June 4, 2011. I don’t remember a bit of our long awaited flight. Before I knew it, my little boy exclaimed, “I can’t believe it! We’re here! We’re actually here! We’re really in Colombia!” 

Fighting Fear

Despite my anxiety, God orchestrated every detail. Someone from the school contacted me with the exact address of the apartment we planned to stay in, and they arranged for a driver to take us there from the airport. Plus they told us the exact amount to rent the apartment for two weeks, freeing us to create some sort of budget.

A repeated conversation with David came to my mind.

“I can’t believe how much money we lost in that adoption process.” Anger gripped his little heart for quite a while.

“God will bless us. Someday, somehow, He will bless us.” I had no other response to give him.

Now we watched God pour out His blessings by providing a furnished apartment for us at only a fraction of the cost of a hotel.

As each remaining day passed by more quickly, a new fear arose inside me. If time flew this fast now, would it fly just as fast while there? If we indeed got to spend time with Julian, I hoped each day would creep by us so we could savor every moment. I fought constant anxiety during those final weeks.

Fighting Fear

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What is it that awaits us
now only fifteen days away,
at the tip of South America,
where I find my thoughts each day?

As each one passes by me,
my heart skips another beat.
I can’t help but hold my breath …
Could this dream, too, end in defeat?

Am I claiming wishful thinking,
or a hope only God can give?
Am I safe to claim His guidance?
Is it alright to let hope live?

Just what awaits us in Colombia?
What could Your purpose be?
As we take this giant step by faith,
please give us eyes to see…

A teaching job, a ministry,
an organization to support,
or could it be a doorway
back to a dream cut short?

So many possibilities
might await us there.
My heart spins in circles,
as I pour it out to God in prayer.

Take away these anxious feelings.
Take away this trembling fear.
May every step we take
be filled with peace that You are near.

HOPING
for a different end this time…

Months away was all it seemed,
before the months soon turned to weeks.
When the weeks turned into days …
All my emotion reached its peak!

Only days till I could hold them,
only days till our eyes would meet,
till those days unexpectedly vanished,
all the waiting a useless feat.

How our hearts were broken,
how shattered I was inside,
I’d never hold them in my arms,
All our dreams had died.

Now here I sit again,
watching months turn into weeks.
I failed to guard my heart.
Only hope is what I seek.

Hope that one day soon we’ll meet,
one day soon we will embrace.
Everything we all have suffered
will finally be replaced with grace.

Yet as each week passes by me,
as our day comes nearer still,
I find myself in fear again,
the thought gives me a chill.

What if something happens?
What if, by chance, you’re sent away?
What if we finally make it there,
and never get our meeting day?

Yet still I hope amidst my fear
God won’t take you away,
one day soon I’ll really meet you,
“this child for whom I prayed.”

No matter what future awaits us,
I know now after such intense prayer
God has a plan for us in Colombia,
and He used you to take us there….

I Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.

Too good to be true?

Before I knew it, Julian’s eighteenth birthday arrived, another bittersweet day. He finally entered adulthood, but that also meant huge changes, including a loss of the only security he ever knew. He didn’t have any idea how much longer he could stay in government care, and his social worker had not even secured his college possibility yet.

After finishing his technical school in November, he worked full-time as an apprentice in the area he studied, Manufacturing of Leather Goods. He worked for a famous purse retailer, making high quality, expensive leather purses in a factory. He embraced the experience and learned a lot of responsibility, but it made him long to study even more in order to do something more suited to his actual artistic skills. His ambitious attitude made me proud, never settling for less than he desired. Now only seven weeks separated us from finally meeting face to face.

Time flew after that point. As each day brought us closer to boarding a plane to Colombia, I struggled with a variety of mixed emotions. So ready to meet Julian, I constantly envisioned our first moment together. I could hardly wait to give him that first hug, look into his eyes, and say, “I’m here. We’re finally here. We made it.”

Yet the fact he still knew nothing about where he would be made me more nervous every day. Would he still live in the orphanage? Would they let him leave to see us? Would we have permission to go there, considering Juan David still resided there on weekdays as he continued to await his final adoption?

 Some days I panicked and wondered if we’d make it to Colombia at all--and perhaps not even get to see Julian after all we’d planned. Would our trip even include him? Or would we visit the two ministries we contacted and then spend our vacation exploring a new country as a family of three? I knew deep in my heart God walked way ahead of us, but anxiety still tormented me. Only a few weeks till our departure, yet I knew we’d gotten this close to leaving for Colombia before. Anything could still go wrong.

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Operating under God's economy

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Now the middle of February, we had four months left until our trip to Colombia. Other than Julian and Juan David, we didn’t know a soul there. Well, we knew the man who previously pastored our Spanish congregation at church who recently moved back to Bogotá. However, I had not been able to get in touch with him, despite many repeated tries.

I still can’t believe we planned a trip to a foreign country we’d never been to in hopes of meeting a boy we’d never seen before except in pictures. We didn’t know anyone, we had no idea where to stay, how to get around, what it might cost us, or even what to do while there. We didn’t even know for sure if we could see Julian. But, we booked our flights and blocked out fifteen days of our year to spend there.

We did contact one missionary, who tried to put us in touch with another missionary, so that might cover a few days of our time. I thought back to the Christian school I found online back in November. We couldn’t make it all the way to Colombia and not at least visit the school.

I found the director’s contact information on the webpage, and I sent her an e-mail explaining the story leading us to Colombia. I also explained our desire to scope out the mission field in order to find out if God might have a ministry for us in Colombia. I told her I had a degree in Christian ministries as well as teaching experience in bilingual education, so I asked if we could see the school and perhaps talk to a few teachers during those two weeks in June.

When she responded back to me a few weeks later, she seemed enthusiastic to meet us. Our story touched her. We’d arrive in time for graduation, and several teachers would be coming and going through the school the following week.

Wow. God began to show me His perfect timing. My teaching experience and background interested her, and she hoped Mike might consider joining the maintenance team at the school, as well. Her next question still brings me goose bumps.

“Will you need a place to stay?” She explained that many of her teachers live there as missionaries and go back to the States right after graduation. We could stay in one of their apartments for a minimal cost, helping them out financially in their absence.

I could hardly believe it. Four months away and still clueless about any details of our trip, God connected us with yet another ministry to visit and also gave us a place to stay. Plus, we’d get to help another missionary by staying there. Only in God’s economy do things like this ever happen! What a confirmation that we heard God’s guidance correctly even regarding the dates of this trip.

We still had no idea where Julian might reside or where he'd work, but God showed me He walked far ahead of us in every aspect of our story. He kept tapping my shoulder, whispering in my ear, “This is one trip I’m not letting you plan. I already planned every moment of every day for you.”

One more bittersweet day

Over the following six months, I stood back in awe while God let me check off almost every item on my “list” as He granted me each desire. Deep down in my heart, I hoped for another chance to adopt Viviana if the committee did not match her with a family by the time we made it to Colombia. I prayed for her day and night, while she and I sent sweet messages to one another through Julian.

Yet one more bittersweet moment remained. Be careful when you ask God to grant you the desires of your heart, because He may do so more quickly than you think or even want.

“They found a mother for Viviana. She’s coming to adopt her in two weeks, on February 7^th.” Julian struggled to tell me the news, overjoyed and relieved for his sister, though heartbroken himself. Not even a month had passed since I wrote my letter to God expressing my desire for her adoption. Before anyone even had time to process what happened, she moved to Europe to begin her new life.

My princess finally had a mommy of her own. Julian and I felt thrilled for her, but my heart broke to lose her again, and it crushed Julian to finally have to let go of his beautiful little sister he had loved for so long. They told him she could contact him once she had enough time to bond well with her mother. Who knew how long that might take?

I found Julian online the day before Viviana left, a couple hours before my normal time to call. He planned to see her one more time that evening, so I asked if he wanted me to call on a different day.

“No. I am so sad today. I need to hear your voice.” We prayed together so faithfully for her to gain a family. Yet when God answered our prayers, Julian wasn’t ready to let her go (not that a sibling should ever have to let another sibling go).

The following morning, she skipped out of his life, out of all of our lives.

“Mommy, will she still love us?” David asked me during dinner one evening that same week.

 “Of course, she will, David.” I answered, glad to know he tried to process this event.

Mike then asked him, “Do you still love her?”

He said he did, and we all agreed we would never stop loving her. She would forever have our hearts.

Delight yourself in the Lord

Psalm 37:4  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

I signed up to teach another Bible study in January, Beth Moore’s study on John, The Beloved Disciple[1]. It amazed me how well I related with the characters surrounding Jesus’ life and crucifixion. They, too, went through a whirlwind of emotions, watching Jesus gain momentum, draw more and more followers, only to be captured and crucified before their eyes. They struggled with their doubts, wondering if they had mistaken the reality of Jesus and why they should follow Him. Yet witnessing His resurrection convinced them to tell as many people as possible about the reality of Christ.

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When our adoption pursuit ended in “death,” God brought about a resurrection of hope with Julian. We watched God do amazing things for all of us, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about Him. My hunger and passion for the Word consumed me, and I poured my heart into teaching Bible studies and guiding others into Scripture. The more intimately I knew Christ, the more I wanted others to know Him that way, too.

The New Year always has a tendency to get you to reflect over everything you experienced in the previous year. What were the highlights or the lows?  Did you experience unforgettable moments, milestones, or hard things to swallow? What lessons did you learn? Did you have any huge revelations or ah-ha moments that left you standing speechless?

I began this New Year in awe of God turning our tragedy into a story of hope. I looked back and saw His fingerprints all over this last year of our life. How could I even begin to think of shutting up now? I couldn’t wait to start my next Bible study.

“Father, help me to communicate transparently enough with these ladies so You can speak boldly through me.” I wanted them to see Christ, not me.

The first assignment in the study led us each to write a letter to God, expressing the desires of our heart. I gave it a lot of thought and prayer before I started to write.

God,

On the last morning of the retreat, she approached me, handed me my prayer bell and told me You led her to pray for me to receive the desires of my heart. I still remember how the tears immediately welled up in my eyes and began to fall—the first tears I cried all weekend.

Fully convinced You asked me to give the desires of my heart back to You that weekend and trust You to take care of them, her words caught me off guard. You asked me to put my precious treasures back in Your hands, just as You asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, the greatest desire of his heart.

So when she said those words, I didn’t understand what they meant. At that moment, I desired nothing more than to still bring the kids home, but I knew it wouldn't happen because You just asked me to let them go. I came home with the assurance that I would receive the desires of my heart, but I no longer knew what those desires were.

I’d long given up on my hope of serving in missions, I didn’t even have the slightest desire to conceive another child, and the thought of pursuing another adoption remained out of the question. They had my heart. So I've been on a quest over the last year to figure out exactly what my heart even still desired after all of this.

Now in retrospect, I see. You gave me new desires. I wanted to know more, anything at all, about Juan David and Viviana (even though I accepted that weekend I likely never would). I hoped to grow again in my faith, to find that intimacy with You like before. I wanted to involve ourselves heavily in ministry and to see a purpose for all that we suffered.

Now I can see You began by giving me a precious gift, a precious soul who became my "son" over the following year. You gave me Julian, and in doing so, You satisfied the desire of my heart to know more about Juan David and Viviana and how their life continued. You gave me closure with Juan David, eight months after my last phone call with him.

You gave me a new hope of missions and connected me with missionaries in Colombia I’d never even met before. You presented me opportunities to lead women’s Bible studies at Lake Pointe Church, each time bringing new relationships in my life to help me heal.

You taught me so much more about Your character, and You drew me into a more intimate relationship with You than I’d ever known. Through my pain and my broken heart, You held me together, carried me through each day when I had no strength left to stand, and became my ultimate Sustainer. You slowly healed me one day at a time, restored my brokenness, gave me a new purpose, and filled my heart with joy once again.

 Today, I again wonder what my heart truly desires. First and foremost, I want to see Julian give his life wholeheartedly to You. I want to meet him and be a godly mother figure to him for as long as he needs me. I want to stay connected to him for many years to come. I want to continue to grow closer to him, and I want the moment we meet to represent one of the most memorable moments of both of our lives.

I want to find a ministry to work with in Colombia—one we will come back to year after year or one we will eventually join full-time. I want to see our story come full circle so others cannot deny You have been at work all along, and they will see that only You could have orchestrated and authored a story like ours.

I want to publish my poetry. I want to write a book, to write full-time about Your awesome power and presence. I want to inspire others to dive into Your Word and to represent Your reality to others because they see You so clearly in me.

I hope for all of these opportunities. But God, more than anything else, I want my precious Viviana to be adopted into a Christian home where someone will teach her to love You deeply. I, of course, still want nothing more than to bring her home, to raise her myself. But to know she has a Christian mommy who loves You and will teach her to love You is my heart’s greatest desire.

Thank You for giving me the desires of my heart.

Your beloved daughter,

Rachelle (1/9/2011)

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[1] Beloved Disciple, Beth Moore, 2002, Life Way Press.

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The Picture We Didn't See

I’ll never forget those fourteen pictures
that brought your brother and sister to me,
the way they captured my heart,
as if there were only two I could see.

The other twelve filled a background,
so for those two I began to pray.
A desire to meet them grew strong,
we soon were on our way.

Things fell into place,
so naturally it seemed.
Our calling so certain
as we lived out our dream.

No one had a clue
God had other plans in mind.
The path He led us on,
now just about to wind.

After months of reexamining
and asking where we missed a turn,
we found you stranded on the highway,
so lost and lonely we’d soon learn.

We gave you hope you didn’t believe in,
a love you didn’t know.
We encourage you daily to turn to Jesus
to lift you when you’re low.

Today I remembered those pictures,
and now I am keenly aware
He drew my heart to your siblings’ photos
because YOUR picture … wasn’t there.