Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I signed up to teach another Bible study in January,
Beth Moore’s study on John, The Beloved Disciple[1].
It amazed me how well I related with the characters surrounding Jesus’ life and
crucifixion. They, too, went through a whirlwind of emotions, watching Jesus
gain momentum, draw more and more followers, only to be captured and crucified
before their eyes. They struggled with their doubts, wondering if they had
mistaken the reality of Jesus and why they should follow Him. Yet witnessing
His resurrection convinced them to tell as many people as possible about the
reality of Christ.
When our adoption pursuit ended in “death,” God brought about a
resurrection of hope with Julian. We watched God do amazing things for all of
us, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about Him. My hunger and passion for the
Word consumed me, and I poured my heart into teaching Bible studies and guiding
others into Scripture. The more intimately I knew Christ, the more I wanted
others to know Him that way, too.
The New Year always has a tendency to get you to reflect over
everything you experienced in the previous year. What were the highlights or
the lows? Did you experience
unforgettable moments, milestones, or hard things to swallow? What lessons did
you learn? Did you have any huge revelations or ah-ha moments that left you
standing speechless?
I began this New Year in awe of God turning our tragedy into a story of
hope. I looked back and saw His fingerprints all over this last year of our
life. How could I even begin to think of shutting up now? I couldn’t wait to
start my next Bible study.
“Father, help
me to communicate transparently enough with these ladies so You can speak
boldly through me.” I wanted them to see Christ, not me.
The first
assignment in the study led us each to write a letter to God, expressing the
desires of our heart. I gave it a lot of thought and prayer before I started to
write.
God,
On the last morning of the retreat, she approached me,
handed me my prayer bell and told me You led her to pray for me to receive the
desires of my heart. I still remember how the tears immediately welled up in my
eyes and began to fall—the first tears I cried all weekend.
Fully convinced You asked me to give the desires of my
heart back to You that weekend and trust You to take care of them, her words
caught me off guard. You asked me to put my precious treasures back in Your
hands, just as You asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, the greatest desire of
his heart.
So when she said those words, I didn’t understand what
they meant. At that moment, I desired nothing more than to still bring the kids
home, but I knew it wouldn't happen because You just asked me to let them go. I
came home with the assurance that I would receive the desires of my heart, but
I no longer knew what those desires were.
I’d long given up on my hope of serving in missions, I
didn’t even have the slightest desire to conceive another child, and the
thought of pursuing another adoption remained out of the question. They had my
heart. So I've been on a quest over the last year to figure out exactly what my
heart even still desired after all of this.
Now in retrospect, I see. You gave me new desires. I
wanted to know more, anything at all, about Juan David and Viviana (even though
I accepted that weekend I likely never would). I hoped to grow again in my
faith, to find that intimacy with You like before. I wanted to involve
ourselves heavily in ministry and to see a purpose for all that we suffered.
Now I can see You began by giving me a precious gift,
a precious soul who became my "son" over the following year. You gave
me Julian, and in doing so, You satisfied the desire of my heart to know more
about Juan David and Viviana and how their life continued. You gave me closure
with Juan David, eight months after my last phone call with him.
You gave me a new hope of missions and connected me
with missionaries in Colombia I’d never even met before. You presented me
opportunities to lead women’s Bible studies at Lake Pointe Church, each time
bringing new relationships in my life to help me heal.
You taught me so much more about Your character, and You
drew me into a more intimate relationship with You than I’d ever known. Through
my pain and my broken heart, You held me together, carried me through each day
when I had no strength left to stand, and became my ultimate Sustainer. You
slowly healed me one day at a time, restored my brokenness, gave me a new
purpose, and filled my heart with joy once again.
Today, I again
wonder what my heart truly desires. First and foremost, I want to see Julian
give his life wholeheartedly to You. I want to meet him and be a godly mother
figure to him for as long as he needs me. I want to stay connected to him for
many years to come. I want to continue to grow closer to him, and I want the
moment we meet to represent one of the most memorable moments of both of our lives.
I want to find a ministry to work with in Colombia—one
we will come back to year after year or one we will eventually join full-time.
I want to see our story come full circle so others cannot deny You have been at
work all along, and they will see that only You could have orchestrated and
authored a story like ours.
I want to publish my poetry. I want to write a book,
to write full-time about Your awesome power and presence. I want to inspire
others to dive into Your Word and to represent Your reality to others because
they see You so clearly in me.
I hope for all of these opportunities. But God, more
than anything else, I want my precious Viviana to be adopted into a Christian
home where someone will teach her to love You deeply. I, of course, still want
nothing more than to bring her home, to raise her myself. But to know she has a
Christian mommy who loves You and will teach her to love You is my heart’s
greatest desire.
Thank You for
giving me the desires of my heart.
Your beloved
daughter,
Rachelle (1/9/2011)
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