Understanding His Purpose

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

http://wallbasehq.net/119362-isaiah-55-8-9/

Gaining a Son

I lay awake in bed last night

with you heavy on my mind.

I remembered how my plans changed,

while watching the last year in rewind.

I thought I lost everything
when my dream crumbled before my eyes.
My hope of mothering your siblings
came to a screeching halt after many tries.

So angry with my heavenly Father,
so hurt down to the core,
so humiliated and embarrassed,
what could it all have been for?

When I reached a point of surrender
and trusted Him with them once more,
suddenly you appeared in the picture,
and I saw hope I didn’t see before.

My heart caught hold of a purpose,
your presence helped me finally grieve.
I began to love you as I loved them,
and I gained a new son, I believe.

A year after everything crumbled,
after picking up the debris from the bomb,
you wrote the words that confirmed it for me,
when you started to call me “Mom.”

Restoration

Our family kept quite busy throughout the fall. Between normal school and work hours, Mike coached David’s soccer team, and I took pictures, managed the soccer website, and made photo books for the team. I continued teaching the ladies’ Bible study, and we all three stayed involved in church activities. When I found a quiet moment, I devoured book after book. God filled me with an incredible hunger to know His Word and the stories of how He worked in other people’s lives following unexpected tragedies. Stories of people who found the Light by walking through the dark captivated me.

It amazed me to see how close I seemed to arrive at the end of my grief, when suddenly my hope and confidence crumbled. October nearly knocked me to the ground. The day before Halloween marked a solid year since the end of our adoption pursuit. Costumes everywhere screamed insult and shame at me, reminding me of our greatest failure. So many triggers brought out emotions I didn’t realize I still felt. Tears came unexpectedly at all the wrong times. Guilt crept back in to beat me up all over again.

Julian stayed busy to finish his last semester of high school (their school year ends in November), so we maintained very limited contact with him. Whenever we did communicate, he asked if anyone from the orphanage wrote to me yet, and I had to say no every time. Neither one of us knew why they stalled to contact me.

I’d done so well lately as I watched God work wonders in both our life and in Julian’s, so I didn’t expect to find those old tears stream down my cheeks again. Memories tormented me. Juan David’s adoption process seemed to progress well with his prospective family, but he spent so much time with them that he rarely saw Viviana anymore. He stayed at the orphanage during the week and then lived with the family on the weekends, meaning he didn’t spend Saturdays with his sister like before. My heart ached for her. I knew she must miss him terribly. Julian worked on the weekends, so he couldn’t spend those Saturday afternoons with her either. Knowing we let her down haunted me.

I noticed my heart gradually begin to let go of Juan David. I knew another family now embraced him, so I didn’t long for him or hurt for him. But I longed for his sister, and October reminded me daily that we failed her. I could barely get out of bed to face the actual day of the anniversary at the end of the month, guilt weighing me down like a heavy blanket.

Yet when November 1^st came along, I felt completely different. The year passed, and a new month started, marking a new year. God did something new in me, and He faithfully filled my heart with renewed purpose. I still ached for Viviana, and I desperately prayed for a family for her. But my grieving suddenly ended. I grieved their loss for an entire year, and now I knew I could move on. By God’s grace, I found both healing and restoration.

Seeking approval again

I dealt with fear every day, thinking I might lose Julian, too, one day. Our connection still remained “secret.” I knew I could accept the loss better than I accepted losing his siblings because at least I saw a purpose. Our relationship with him strengthened his trust in God. That alone would have given me a sense of closure if I ever needed it.

Continuing our quest to bring Julian to the States, I contacted the community college about him. A kind lady led me through all the paperwork he would need.

“I just want you to know, though, that his status as an orphan might make it difficult for him to gain a visa. I have a few suggestions of things he can do to give himself a better chance, though.”

When I shared all the information with Julian, it overwhelmed him. He wanted to talk to the orphanage director first so she could help with the paperwork.

I freaked out, positive she would not react well to his connection with us. I braced myself emotionally for another huge loss. I prayed my heart out, and we waited. Several days passed, yet we heard nothing from Julian.

“We lost him.” My heart felt so heavy with sadness as Mike and I discussed our assumption that our fear of losing him turned into a reality. I sure would miss him. I grew to love that boy more than I ever imagined.

By the end of the week, after yet another night in tears, I did hear from him again. He talked with the director, who cared dearly for him, and she reacted very positively regarding this possibility. She told him to talk with both his social worker and his psychologist, along with his legal defender.

Those titles alone scared me, especially the psychologist. The psychologist over our adoption case stood so firmly against our ability to parent an adoptive child. The thought of another Colombian psychologist involved again left a bitter taste in my mouth. Even in a completely different situation, my nerves went crazy while we waited on their “approval” of us.

About a week passed before Julian found a chance to talk to everyone involved, and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief when they all showed positive reactions. We no longer felt a need to keep quiet about our relationship with him. His social worker showed the only negative response from anyone, only because she wished he’d told her first. She constantly looked out for him to find him opportunities. She meticulously worked to find the best possible future for the kids who never get adopted. If an opportunity like this existed for him, she needed to know about it.

Julian gave them all my e-mail address, and they said they would contact me. I collected all the information from the community college to give to his social worker as soon as she contacted me.

 Meanwhile, our relationship with him grew by leaps and bounds now that everyone knew about it. Our love for him grew more every day, as did his love for us. We became the family he’d always dreamed of having. We also became his prayer warriors, along with our entire adult class at church. So many people prayed for him and the direction his future might take him, more than he will ever know, probably more than we ourselves will ever know. I loved him like a son, and I told him so as often as I could. When I prayed for David every morning, I prayed for him, too.

Renewed faith

My faith renewed even more, I started reading like crazy again. Like a sponge, I soaked up every word I could. This time, I no longer read about grief, hope, and healing. Instead, I read everything I could find on grace. I read so many unlikely stories God wrote into people’s lives when they completely surrendered to Him and His glory, no matter what.

Jan Winebrenner’s book, The Grace of Catastrophe—When what you know about God is all you have[1], helped me cling to God when nothing made sense. Two other books also drew my complete attention, Bruce Wilkinson’s Dream Giver [2]and Mark Batterson’s Wild Goose Chase[3]. Both proved the reality that God doesn’t fit in a box. Once we’re willing to take Him out of the box, we see how much we actually miss! In fact, as long as we keep Him in the box, we might miss the whole point.

God led us on our own wild goose chase, in pursuit of His will but without a clue where it headed. We never dreamed how a seventeen-year-old Colombian orphan could turn our lives upside down. In fact, we expected to bring home a little girl from El Salvador to raise as our own only three years earlier. Our desire for a daughter led us to a little girl from Colombia, connecting us to her preteen brother, who ultimately led us to their seventeen-year-old brother.

We didn’t plan it this way. We didn’t envision this life. We didn’t know we embarked upon this journey. But the relationship God created now between Julian and our family amazed us. God took us on the adventure of a lifetime, showing us beauty really can rise from the ashes of our losses.

Another summer almost closed again, so I used what little time remained to research any existing options for possible futures we could offer Julian. After searching for weeks, I found a program at a nearby community college offering the possibility for Julian to study in the States for a semester or two in an intensive English course already set up to help international students get their visas.

Maybe our spare bedroom belonged to Julian instead of his sister. The thought of it excited me and grew hope in me. We gave him a list of things to start acquiring to make it possible. He would gather some of the paperwork on his own, but we agreed to wait until much closer to his eighteenth birthday to talk with anyone from the orphanage about it. We still feared his social worker’s and psychologist’s reactions to his connection with us. At this point, we didn’t know yet if God planned for Julian to come here, but it couldn’t hurt to look into the possibility.

The school year soon started again, as well as my second ladies’ Bible study. My first study intrigued Julian because he’d never even heard of a Bible study, so it opened up several meaningful conversations between us on the topics of Scripture and prayer. Now he wanted to know more about my second study, Jennifer Rothschild’s Walking by Faith—Lessons I Learned in the Dark.[4]

I’m the one who needed that study. As soon as I read the title, I knew God wanted me to lead it. I led my first study from personal experience, but I led this one in the dark, still walking through it. I loved walking alongside the ladies He sent to my class as they learned to dig deep in the Word. I found a passion in this area and realized I found my niche in the church, an area where I truly enjoyed serving.

As my own faith blossomed again, I watched Julian’s faith grow, as well. We shared many long talks about grief, sadness, loss, and also about faith, hope, and healing. We talked often about clinging to God when it hurts and allowing Him to carry us when we lose our strength. We also talked a lot about prayer. Honestly, I didn’t know where he stood in his relationship with Christ, or if he even had one, but I knew God gave me this chance to plant seeds into his life. My own experience with grief helped me reach Julian in a way I never could have from a mountaintop. God showed me how my experience in the valley could help someone else.

"You know, today I kept thinking about how much God helped me throughout my life. The way you and I have gotten to know each other gives me immense happiness. To think I always believed God abandoned me, now I know that wasn't the case." Julian opened up to me in a whole new way.

"Your words right now bring me so much joy. I thought the same thing today, how God used our story of losing your siblings to ultimately change your life. Although what happened nearly destroyed us, I now see Him making something beautiful I never imagined before." My reply reminded me of my final words at the women’s spiritual retreat when I expressed God breaking us in order to bring about something beautiful. The joy I desperately prayed for returned. I felt it deep within.

"I thought that same thing many times. The plan of God--it's a wonderful thing. I now know God has a plan for me, and He has a plan for everyone.” His response held a new hope.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that, because a few short months ago, I know you didn’t think that way." I typed with incredible emotion, in awe of God’s evident working.

“I know,” he responded.

He got it. He got the message I poured into him, day in and day out. God did not forgot or abandon him. Reading those heartfelt words made the entire experience worth it. God used us in a mighty way to change that boy’s whole mindset.

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[1] The Grace of Catastrophe—When What You Know About God is All You Have, Jan Winebrenner, 2005, Moody Publishers.

[2] Dream Giver, Bruce Wilkinson, 2003, Multnomah Books.

[3] Wild Goose Chase—Reclaim the Adventure of Pursuing God, Mark Batterson, 2008, Multnomah Books.

[4] Walking by Faith—Lessons I Learned in the Dark, Jennifer Rothschild, 2003, Life Way Press.