Extraordinary Faith

God proceeded to restore us. Little by little, He revealed glimpses of how He redeemed our story. We learned what it really meant to walk by faith.

I came home a few days later from the bookstore with a new book, Sheila Walsh’s Extraordinary Faith[1]. I devoured it, marking up every other page along the way. She reminded me throughout the book that faith doesn’t just trust the answers will come someday. It trusts God whether we ever get answers or not. Faith doesn’t mean everything will all work out in the end. No matter what news we get, God will never abandon us or leave our side. Faith trusts in the security and constant presence of a Savior. We still hurt, but in the midst of the hurt, enough grace comes each day to get us through.

I believed I possessed strong faith throughout the entire adoption process and later through the appeal. I see now I had it all wrong. I finally understand what it means to live by faith and to experience the grace that holds me together each day.

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[1] Extraordinary Faith, Sheila Walsh, 2005, Thomas Nelson.

http://www.amazon.com/Extraordinary-Faith-Perfect-published-Hardcover/dp/B008PGYAAC/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1444605591&sr=8-14&keywords=Extraordinary+Faith

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 

Hebrews 4:11

Like manna from Heaven

Despite all the healing and renewed hope that summer, more heartache loomed on the horizon. Julian’s latest news devastated me all over again.

“Rachelle, I’m so heartbroken. The family that wanted my brother and sister decided to just take Juan David, not Viviana. They want a child that can do things independently, and Viviana needs too much help and attention.”  It looked like Juan David and Viviana faced a permanent separation from each other. Juan David’s soccer interests made him fit perfectly with the prospective family’s athletic schedule. Viviana’s needs claimed too much of their time.

No!!! This couldn’t be. How could they even think about splitting them? Those two children loved each other dearly. I couldn’t even fathom how God could allow this to happen after all we did to try to adopt both of them together.

“You should have seen the sadness in Viviana’s eyes when she told me.” Julian expressed his own deep sadness when he shared the news with me. I didn’t even want to imagine how her heart broke. Not only did she not gain a family, after all, but now she watched that family tear her brother from her life.

 “Julian, you need to love on her more than ever. She truly needs you now.” I didn’t have words to comfort him. How did I process this new devastation, anger, and confusion?

My heart hurt so much for my precious Viviana. At least she still had Julian. Maybe, I reasoned, God meant to keep her and Julian together rather than her and Juan David.

Yet my heart ached equally for Juan David. What did this news do to him? Did it break his heart? Did he feel guilty? Did the split anger him? Did he even still want an adoption without her? Did he have a choice? Could he say no?

He obviously felt happy to have a family and a future, but did his heart break to lose his beloved little sister? I doubt they ever imagined someone might separate them some day. I longed to talk with him, but I knew better than to hope for such a possibility.

I woke up one morning about a week or so later with my heart heavier than ever, aching for those two precious children. I played such a huge part of both of their lives, and now I ached to know if Juan David was okay. I looked up to God in tears and asked for one thing.

“Can I please hear from Juan David again someday?” I tearfully pleaded.

I knew a phone call would never happen. I’d never hear that boy’s voice again. I knew he couldn’t send me a letter. But I also knew he had my e-mail address, and I wondered if, one day, he might pull it out again and write to me. Maybe he’d write to let me know he had a family once they completed his adoption.

I would have given anything to hear from him again. Eight months already passed since the last time I shared a phone call with him. I knew I’d made quite a bold request God would likely never grant me, but I also knew He held the power to make it happen.

About a week or so later, I sat in the kitchen again with my little pink laptop open so I could chat online with Julian.

“My brother wrote you a letter over the weekend.” Julian had no idea the significance of what he just said.

What? Did I read that right? “Who wrote a letter?” I asked.

“Juan David wrote a letter.”

“Who did you say he wrote a letter to?”

“To you!” He replied, oblivious to the sudden, unexpected whirlwind of emotion on my end.

My eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t believe it! I experienced one of those transcendent moments when you can almost feel God reaching His hand down from Heaven and touching you. He heard my cry, and He answered me. Not a soul knew I asked God to let me hear from Juan David again.

“Your words make me want to cry, Julian.”

“I don’t understand. I didn’t say anything sad.”

“God just used you to show me that He answered my prayer.” I proceeded to explain my conversation with God a week earlier, believing in my heart He would not grant my request, considering the circumstances.

Wow. What a humbling moment. God showed up at my kitchen table that day. He sat with me and met me on an incredibly personal level, looking me in the eye and wiping my tears away. “I’m here, my child. I heard your cries. I saw your tears. I did not forget even one of them.”

 Julian took a picture of the letter to send to me via e-mail. They also took other pictures he wanted to send me, including one of him and Viviana. It didn’t matter if I ever got that letter. God gave me a gift by letting me know Juan David actually wrote to me.

God heard me. He saw me. He showed Himself fully present with me and fully present with those kids.

Like manna from Heaven, the simple knowledge of that letter sustained me, meeting me right at my point of need. I don’t know how much more personal God could have been to me in that moment, marking a huge turning point in my faith.

http://www.aperfectworld.org/clipart/communications/letter.png

From pain to purpose

As Julian and I grew closer in those summer months, I learned more about him every day. I also learned more about the traumatic life of an orphan. You always hear the stories about adoption, but how often do we hear the stories about those that never get adopted and step into the world alone? How often do we take the time to listen to those voices? Julian displayed the heart of wounded child. He shared the hurts in his life openly with me, thanking me many times for caring so much about him.

“I love you so, so much.” My heart healed a little bit more every time he typed those words to me, bonding us for life.

God set me on a new mission to prove to Julian He did not forget or abandon him. God still prepared a future for him, as well as for his siblings. I shared that message with him as often and frequently as possible.

In addition to giving me Julian to help me heal, God also gave me the opportunity to finally dive into a ministry that burned in my heart for years. I poured myself into teaching my first ladies’ Bible study at my church over the summer. God planted the desire in my heart earlier, but He used me even more effectively now as a broken vessel. His light shines much brighter through our cracks and broken pieces than it does through our well-manicured, seemingly-perfect lives.

When I received the list of available studies to teach from the church, God quickly made it clear which study He wanted me to teach. No book or study ever changed me like Stormie Omartian’s study on The Power of a Praying Wife [1]three years earlier.

After moving to Texas several years prior with a broken marriage and a bitter heart, I took a friend’s suggestion to read Stormie Omartian’s book. Rather than just reading it, I prayed one of the prayers over my husband every single day until it became a habit. Through that exercise, God changed me in so many ways, and I found a life of prayer I only ever dreamed of having.

I also began to pray similar prayers over my son, my family, my leaders, and my friends on a daily basis. I learned to pray Scripture, and I found an indescribable intimacy with Christ. I literally felt my heart soften toward my husband. Our marriage started to change, he began to change, and the entire climate of our home changed. Now three years later, I knew God wanted me to not only teach the study but to transparently show the ladies how He used it to change my life, to change me.

I count that teaching experience as one of the greatest blessings God ever gave me, healing my broken heart even more, giving me the joy I so desperately prayed to find again. I watched a group of strangers from different services, classes, age groups, (and even churches) assume the role of a prayer warrior for each other and for their husbands. They opened up to one another on deep levels, often shedding many unexpected tears. I can’t thank God enough for what He did among those women, while healing my heart at the same time. He continued to replace my despair with incredible hope.

For the first time ever, I shared my poetry with others by printing out some of my poems each week for the ladies in the study. They encouraged me to share it more often, showing me how my poems ministered and spoke to them.

“Rachelle, my adult daughter has struggled through so many issues in her life, and she said your poetry really uplifts her. She’d like your permission to share it with her friends.” My friend’s request encouraged me to see that now God used my poetry, my songs, to speak life into others. They didn’t share my story, but they shared my despair and wanted to claim my Hope. 

“My child, it’s time to stop hiding who you are and who I made you.” God spoke to me deeply that summer as He used the broken pieces of my life to mold me into the person He created me to become. He used that group of women to break me out my shell of insecurity, to finally help me let the walls come down. Those women will forever occupy a special place in my heart.

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[1] The Power of a Praying Wife, Stormie Omartian, 1997, Harvest House Publishers.

Did we still have a purpose waiting for us in Colombia?

Now we faced a new problem. He lived in Colombia. We lived in the United States. In order to have a future with this boy, we had to make it to Colombia because his status as an orphan severely limited his chances of ever coming here.

As I boarded the plane the next morning to fly to my parents’ house for a week, a new song took shape inside me. While David occupied himself with the toys and books in his backpack during the flight, I started to write.

“Take us to Colombia, God.” I knew we needed to keep quiet about our relationship with Julian because the adoption committee in Colombia already asked us to break our ties with his siblings. We didn’t think they would react well to our involvement in their brother’s life, so we agreed to keep quiet until he turned eighteen, only ten months away.

After only a month of this new communication with Julian, we agreed as a family to go see him once he turned eighteen. We felt compelled to meet him and support him as he took those first steps on his own. God has impeccable timing.

This new turn of events excited me, filling me with purpose and passion again. When David and I arrived at my parents’ house, he didn’t even give me a chance to fill them in. He quickly blurted out, “Next summer, we’re going on our own little mission trip to Colombia to help Julian.”

How we’d work out the details remained a mystery, but we knew, without a doubt, we had to go. Only ten months remained until Julian’s eighteenth birthday, and we assumed he might still reside in his orphanage for a few more months after that. That left us nearly an entire year to listen for God’s guidance. Maybe we’d actually make it to Colombia, after all, by June of 2011.

We made him no promises. We said we wanted to support him when he turned eighteen either by helping him further his education in some way or by helping him out with his daily needs. However, a new thought brewed inside me. I wondered if maybe God held more for us in Colombia than just Julian. He used Juan David and Viviana to burden our hearts for Colombia, and now He may use Julian to actually get us there.

A reason to sing

A few days later, I sat at my kitchen table with my computer open, chatting again with Julian. David and I prepared to leave the next morning for a weeklong vacation at my parent’s house. I told Julian I would try my best to stay in touch while on vacation.

“I love you and miss you every day we don’t connect with one another. I pray for you every day.” I wanted him to know how I cherished him.

“I pray for you every day, too.” His response surprised me.

 “Julian, how do you know so much about God?” I truly wanted to know.

“When I still lived with my mom, a neighbor used to take both me and my brother to a Protestant church with her. We went with her every week for about a year. She also invited us to her house all the time and taught us stories from the Bible.” I sure had a lot of respect for that dear neighbor. She gave those boys a solid foundation to stand on.

It finally hit me. God began to pursue a relationship with this young man at the age of nine, and He held him firmly in His grip over the last eight years. Now God brought another Christian family, our family, into his life to build upon a foundation already laid. Maybe our entire experience didn’t fail, after all. Maybe our “failed” adoption actually led us straight to the “child” chosen for us, waiting for us. Straight to Julian.

With only a year left in the orphanage before living on his own as a legal adult, he needed a family to lean on for support, love, and encouragement at such a critical time in his life. God, in His sovereignty, connected us to him not long after he accepted facing the future alone.

“I’m beginning to think all of this was for you.” I wrote back to Julian that evening.

 “Yeah, I’ve been thinking the same thing.” We both saw it. His response warmed my heart.

I still had a reason to sing. Hope lived inside me again. When I stopped asking why and demanding God give me answers, He showed me a purpose I couldn’t see. Now this story held more than I ever imagined. How did we miss and not even consider the needs of this sibling as we pursued adopting the other two? So intent to bring them home, we didn’t even really think about him and how losing his brother and sister might affect him.

Just because you’ve passed the allowable age for international adoption doesn’t mean you don’t need a family for company and support. He cried out for one as desperately as his siblings did, if not more.

“When I was younger, I always hoped a family would adopt me. I’m too old now. I just want my brother and sister to be adopted while they’re still young.” He gave up hoping for a family for himself, accepting he faced the future alone. I can’t imagine having to feel that way, so totally alone in the world. No wonder he clung to our virtual relationship so tightly after the first time I told him I loved him.

No longer left to wonder

Now God gave me a chance to finally get it all out, to express those things I once thought I’d never have the chance to say.

“Julian, I never got to tell your brother how sorry I am. It wasn’t us. We didn’t make the final decision. I never stopped loving them. I never will.”

What a gift to finally let Juan David know what really happened, to tell him I still loved him. The weight of guilt I carried over the last seven months finally lifted. Their brother now communicated all those things I only wished I could have said to them once I realized I no longer had a chance.

As soon as school ended the first week of June, many long, overdue tears came spilling out of me. All of the emotions I buried deep inside during the school year and masked with busyness finally came to the surface. I didn’t even know how much I really needed to cry.

Thankfully, having Julian in my life somehow made it easier. For the first time since they closed our adoption case, I finally found someone to talk to about my grief, someone from the other side who understood and knew exactly who and what I lost.

I no longer needed to wonder if they ever knew or understood what really happened. I found out Juan David knew I still tried to call after our last conversation on his birthday.

www.symbols-n-emoticons.com

I didn’t have to wonder if they thought we changed our minds about wanting to adopt them, nor did I have to wonder what they told them.

“They said you couldn’t secure all the paperwork to complete the adoption.” In a sense, it held truth, so I never told Julian otherwise. We secured every document but one, a final approval from Colombia. I only wanted them to know my love and prayers for them didn’t stop when our communication ceased. 

I hoped Julian would tell me if and when they found a family for the kids, but I never asked him to. However, when a prospective family did enter the picture that summer, he immediately let me know.

“Hey, I just wanted you to know that they found a family for my brother and sister. They call them in the evenings and come to see them on Saturdays.”

Mixed emotions ran through me. Thrilled that God did indeed show me He would not leave them as orphans, it also saddened me all over again because God didn't choose us as their family.

“I am happy for them. But how do you feel about it?” Funny I didn’t even consider that question when we planned on taking them away.

I’ll never forget his response. “I’m happy for them. They were so excited when they found out! But I’m sad, too, because I will be alone.”

“Julian, you will never be alone. We will always be a family to you.” I don’t know where those words even came from. How little did I know how God would hold me to that promise.

If it's meant to be yours, it will come back to you.

Each night after that, I opened my computer to input grades for school, only to end the evening with long, meaningful online conversations with the older brother of the two children I lost. Before I knew it, he took center stage in my world.

“What kind of job do you have?” He wanted to know all about my job, my class, and our family.

“I teach bilingual education. I work with second graders the same age as your sister. I have two older brothers, one that lives close by and one that lives far away in another state. My parents live kind-of far, too, in another state.” I asked all about his life, and he enjoyed telling me about himself.

“I am in high school, and I will graduate in November. I also take classes at a local college to learn about the manufacturing of leather goods. I love art, and I want to study fashion design. I am seventeen years old, so I probably won't live here much longer.” He had less than a year left in his orphanage until he began life on his own.

Over the following three weeks, Julian and I grew closer than ever. Each of us thanked the other for loving his siblings. He couldn’t express enough how much they still loved us. He filled in gaps for me, missing pieces of the story. He also let me know about Juan David and Viviana’s progress since everything fell apart, the two children I finally accepted I would never know another thing about.

The kids and I even sent simple greetings to one another once again through Julian.

“Please tell your sister I said hi and give her a hug from me.” And he did.

“My brother wanted me to tell you hello for him. He misses you.” Those words warmed my heart.

Letting go -- if it's meant to be yours, it will come back to you.

When I finally let them go, God gave them back to me. But now instead of two, He gave me three. Abraham's sacrifice came to my mind when God asked me to give them back to Him. Now Abraham's story (Genesis 22:1-13) came to my mind again as I recalled how God gave Isaac back.

“Your full purpose in their lives has not yet been fulfilled. I am not finished with this story. Keep holding on, my dear child.”