Finally there

Fear. Anxiety. Excitement. Hope. So many mixed emotions competed for my attention. Yet some days, I felt nothing at all. Maybe I subconsciously guarded my heart because too many emotions overwhelmed me. I feared letting my expectations get set too high.

On the other hand, I purposely didn’t let myself set any expectations because I knew God’s plans always trumped mine. I didn't want to miss whatever He had waiting for us because He had a tendency to blow us away.

Now with our flight only days away, the time arrived to find out if, when, and where we could meet Julian. He still lived in the orphanage. He did not start any classes yet, nor did he find a new job. Since the first time we met on the computer, he constantly ran in at least five directions at once. Now his calendar remained empty without a single commitment.

I wrote a letter via e-mail to the orphanage director to request approval for him to leave the orphanage to spend time with us. In my letter, I explained our connection to Julian first. Then I explained our purpose and length of stay in Bogotá.

“We would like to spend as much time with Julian as you will allow us. He is more than welcome to stay with us the entire two weeks, or we can take him back to the orphanage in the evenings if you would prefer. We would like to support Julian in some way as he enters this next stage of his life. Please let us know the best way to help him."

Her response overwhelmed me. Not only did she give permission for Julian to stay with us, as part of our family, for the entire duration of our trip, but she wanted to arrange a meeting for us to discuss his future needs with his psychologist and social worker.

“I think it’s wonderful for Julian to finally have the support of a family.” Wow. She already called us his family.

I fretted over finding our way around the city without a guide, and now, we would have a native Colombian with us at all times. I worried about the possibility of not getting to see Julian, and now we’d get him for fourteen days and nights straight. I thought we might not even step foot in the orphanage, and now we had a meeting scheduled there with the very titles of people that terrified me, the very same psychologist and social worker that Juan David and Viviana shared. These details thrilled me, sent me beyond excited, yet scared me all over again, especially regarding that meeting.

Thankfully, our prayer warriors covered us in prayer that last week before we left. While many of our friends and acquaintances thought us crazy to even go, those closest to us knew God planned to do something huge with our family. We didn’t just plan a random trip over the last six months. God prepared us for this trip over a three-year period, leading us on a painful journey of faith in preparation for how our lives would change over these fifteen days in Colombia. He walked so far ahead of us, we had no idea.

Our last few days sped by us until we finally boarded that plane early Saturday morning, June 4, 2011. I don’t remember a bit of our long awaited flight. Before I knew it, my little boy exclaimed, “I can’t believe it! We’re here! We’re actually here! We’re really in Colombia!” 

Fighting Fear

Despite my anxiety, God orchestrated every detail. Someone from the school contacted me with the exact address of the apartment we planned to stay in, and they arranged for a driver to take us there from the airport. Plus they told us the exact amount to rent the apartment for two weeks, freeing us to create some sort of budget.

A repeated conversation with David came to my mind.

“I can’t believe how much money we lost in that adoption process.” Anger gripped his little heart for quite a while.

“God will bless us. Someday, somehow, He will bless us.” I had no other response to give him.

Now we watched God pour out His blessings by providing a furnished apartment for us at only a fraction of the cost of a hotel.

As each remaining day passed by more quickly, a new fear arose inside me. If time flew this fast now, would it fly just as fast while there? If we indeed got to spend time with Julian, I hoped each day would creep by us so we could savor every moment. I fought constant anxiety during those final weeks.

Fighting Fear

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What is it that awaits us
now only fifteen days away,
at the tip of South America,
where I find my thoughts each day?

As each one passes by me,
my heart skips another beat.
I can’t help but hold my breath …
Could this dream, too, end in defeat?

Am I claiming wishful thinking,
or a hope only God can give?
Am I safe to claim His guidance?
Is it alright to let hope live?

Just what awaits us in Colombia?
What could Your purpose be?
As we take this giant step by faith,
please give us eyes to see…

A teaching job, a ministry,
an organization to support,
or could it be a doorway
back to a dream cut short?

So many possibilities
might await us there.
My heart spins in circles,
as I pour it out to God in prayer.

Take away these anxious feelings.
Take away this trembling fear.
May every step we take
be filled with peace that You are near.

HOPING
for a different end this time…

Months away was all it seemed,
before the months soon turned to weeks.
When the weeks turned into days …
All my emotion reached its peak!

Only days till I could hold them,
only days till our eyes would meet,
till those days unexpectedly vanished,
all the waiting a useless feat.

How our hearts were broken,
how shattered I was inside,
I’d never hold them in my arms,
All our dreams had died.

Now here I sit again,
watching months turn into weeks.
I failed to guard my heart.
Only hope is what I seek.

Hope that one day soon we’ll meet,
one day soon we will embrace.
Everything we all have suffered
will finally be replaced with grace.

Yet as each week passes by me,
as our day comes nearer still,
I find myself in fear again,
the thought gives me a chill.

What if something happens?
What if, by chance, you’re sent away?
What if we finally make it there,
and never get our meeting day?

Yet still I hope amidst my fear
God won’t take you away,
one day soon I’ll really meet you,
“this child for whom I prayed.”

No matter what future awaits us,
I know now after such intense prayer
God has a plan for us in Colombia,
and He used you to take us there….

I Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.

Too good to be true?

Before I knew it, Julian’s eighteenth birthday arrived, another bittersweet day. He finally entered adulthood, but that also meant huge changes, including a loss of the only security he ever knew. He didn’t have any idea how much longer he could stay in government care, and his social worker had not even secured his college possibility yet.

After finishing his technical school in November, he worked full-time as an apprentice in the area he studied, Manufacturing of Leather Goods. He worked for a famous purse retailer, making high quality, expensive leather purses in a factory. He embraced the experience and learned a lot of responsibility, but it made him long to study even more in order to do something more suited to his actual artistic skills. His ambitious attitude made me proud, never settling for less than he desired. Now only seven weeks separated us from finally meeting face to face.

Time flew after that point. As each day brought us closer to boarding a plane to Colombia, I struggled with a variety of mixed emotions. So ready to meet Julian, I constantly envisioned our first moment together. I could hardly wait to give him that first hug, look into his eyes, and say, “I’m here. We’re finally here. We made it.”

Yet the fact he still knew nothing about where he would be made me more nervous every day. Would he still live in the orphanage? Would they let him leave to see us? Would we have permission to go there, considering Juan David still resided there on weekdays as he continued to await his final adoption?

 Some days I panicked and wondered if we’d make it to Colombia at all--and perhaps not even get to see Julian after all we’d planned. Would our trip even include him? Or would we visit the two ministries we contacted and then spend our vacation exploring a new country as a family of three? I knew deep in my heart God walked way ahead of us, but anxiety still tormented me. Only a few weeks till our departure, yet I knew we’d gotten this close to leaving for Colombia before. Anything could still go wrong.

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