Now God gave me a chance to finally get it all out, to express those
things I once thought I’d never have the chance to say.
“Julian, I never got to tell your brother how sorry I am. It wasn’t us.
We didn’t make the final decision. I never stopped loving them. I never will.”
What a gift to finally let Juan David know what really happened, to tell
him I still loved him. The weight of guilt I carried over the last seven months
finally lifted. Their brother now communicated all those things I only wished I
could have said to them once I realized I no longer had a chance.
As soon as school ended the first week of June, many long, overdue
tears came spilling out of me. All of the emotions I buried deep inside during
the school year and masked with busyness finally came to the surface. I didn’t
even know how much I really needed to cry.
Thankfully, having Julian in my life somehow made it easier. For the
first time since they closed our adoption case, I finally found someone to talk
to about my grief, someone from the other side who understood and knew exactly
who and what I lost.
I no longer needed to wonder if they ever knew or understood what really
happened. I found out Juan David knew I still tried to call after our last
conversation on his birthday.
I didn’t have
to wonder if they thought we changed our minds about wanting to adopt them, nor
did I have to wonder what they told them.
“They said
you couldn’t secure all the paperwork to complete the adoption.” In a sense, it
held truth, so I never told Julian otherwise. We secured every document but
one, a final approval from Colombia. I only wanted them to know my love and
prayers for them didn’t stop when our communication ceased.
I hoped Julian would tell me if and when they found a family for the
kids, but I never asked him to. However, when a prospective family did enter
the picture that summer, he immediately let me know.
“Hey, I just wanted you to know that they found a family for my brother
and sister. They call them in the evenings and come to see them on Saturdays.”
Mixed
emotions ran through me. Thrilled that God did indeed show me He would not
leave them as orphans, it also saddened me all over again because God didn't
choose us as their family.
“I am happy for them. But how do you feel about it?” Funny I
didn’t even consider that question when we planned on taking them away.
I’ll never
forget his response. “I’m happy for them. They were so excited when they found
out! But I’m sad, too, because I will be alone.”
“Julian, you will never be alone. We will always be a family to you.” I
don’t know where those words even came from. How little did I know how God would
hold me to that promise.
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